Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
