I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
you had me at cake vodka
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
