if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
