i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
