Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
