so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
