How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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