got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
