Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
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My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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