PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
