Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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