all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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