someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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