He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
there is puke in my bra ... again
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
