Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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