he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
