I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
