I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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