i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Its about making memories worth repressing
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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