WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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