I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
