i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
