is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
