Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
