So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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