I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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