Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
