so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
