you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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