I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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