Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
