the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
