bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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