bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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