so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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