cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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