i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
