it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
