God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
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