I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Randomize
