I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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