if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
