I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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