The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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