The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
