You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
