I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
