Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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