Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
