dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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