I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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