nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
