my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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