Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
