she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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