can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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